Where's Lucy when you need her?

While talking with my cousin who lives only a few hundred miles away online to complain about work life in general. I thought of something that occurred a few weeks ago while driving to the bookstore on my way home from work. As always the streets were a little crowded with commuters who are impatient to get home. With the traffic lights not working in my favor I found myself oddly in a surreal mood as I waited at the red light watching the sun set ahead of my horizon. A statement popped into my head “I think I’m attracted to women”.

Okay, those who’s really hung around me may have noticed that I often look at women and found them to be an “attractive” individual. I’ve had male friends in high school who were not afraid or embarrassed to talk about females because they knew I could look at it with an objective eyes and understand what they’re talking about and aren’t shy about agreeing or disagreeing with their views. Then again, that’s not to say I want to start a tango on the Egyptian cotton with them. Just that I’ve always found certain parts on some females attractive. Sometimes it maybe the arm, or the hand, her legs. Whatever it maybe, I find them graceful, flawless, pretty. I’m appreciating it, not leering at it.

I had once been asked out by a female while in high school, I didn’t immediately reject her. Since I didn’t know that many people who’s been in my situation before, I went in search of the most frank of friends I had at the time. whom I once made a comment that he went through girls like he went through socks, player he may be, but he’s always been open minded an honest about things with me. He listened, thought, and came up with a question: “Can you imagine [sleeping with] another woman?”. (7 letter word that started with F) At that time, I was able to say, NO! and thus ended that episode of my life. Heh, 1^st person that asked me out, and it was a female.

I’ve never really reflected on why I said “no” to his question. I never minded about homosexuality, it was one of those subjects that I’ve always though “so what? It’s their business not mine. It does not hurt anyone.”

I don’t understand how a country who’s greatest claim is “freedom” can be so, narrow-minded when it comes to homosexuality. What is wrong with 2 people of the same gender wanting to marry one another? Is it really hurting anyone? Oh good grief, don’t give me that argument about people who only want the benefits and tax breaks, do you SERIOUSLY think that is not ALREADY happening? That Fake marriages don’t already exist? Pull your head out from under the ground and get over your thinly veiled religious high horse.

Okay, getting off my soap box, back to the original thought: Perhaps I’m more than just looking at women because of appreciation of beauty.

I now sit here, thinking of these question “am I homosexual?” to which I answer “no I am not”. Then “am I heterosexual?” and the answer is “I believe so”, last but not least “am I bisexual?” for that answer . . . I’m still thinking about it.

A decade after my friend pose the question to me, I can safely say that when I say “no” back then, I was truly saying “no” to ANY sexual activities with ANYONE. I did not feel mentally prepared for those actions at that age. Had he pose that question to me about the guy I’ve had an unhealthy crush on back then, I would have honestly said “no” also. Heck, to be truthful if he pose that question to me today about any person I would still say “no”. I have a mental preparedness of an 12 year old when it comes to relationships. I believe it may have come from something that occurred in my early childhood that has stunted my growth in that department, I call it “growing up”.

So, I talked about it with my sister after I got home from the bookstore that night. Her only comments were along the lines that I have strange thoughts while I drive. I think she’s getting used to my randomness. I used to have friends nearby with whom I dumped whatever question popped into my mind example: what is a baby’s umbilical cord attached to? How is the placenta “attached” inside the woman? Oh, here’s a note on that, don’t ask a male student engineer those questions even if his mother is a doctor.

As I was saying about my older sister, she’s quickly becoming my sounding board. I knew there was a reason why she’s #1 on my speed dial. I believe she’s slowly coming to terms with her fate, about a month ago I woke her up with an early phone call asking “how can ice exist in space which has no oxygen?”

I tend to gain questions as I peruse through the various news papers and articles online. I was kind enough to wait until 6:30 her time. Aren’t I a nice sister? She told me just the week prior to that incident, 6am is the time she gets up to begin preparing for the day, I did wait for ½ an hour more. P.S. I got my answer from her husband who doesn’t mind having such an odd question thrown at him before he’s even seen the sun. It’s my job to keep his mind fresh and him on his toes! Well, that’s what he gets for having an odd-ball sister-in-law such as myself I guess. If I’d thought about this long enough I would have arrived at the answer myself, eventually. It’s always nice to have someone guide you the right way so it’s not stuck on the mind all day eh?

Hum….lost my train of thoughts again. Darn it. Oh RIGHT! After my conversation that night with my sister who pretty much went off into another topic and didn’t comment much on my statement, I forgotten about it. Until last night, a thought triggered my memory about the subject and I briefly mentioned it to the above mentioned engineer in the form of: recently I’ve been questioning my “orientation”. I couldn’t put the word sexual cause the filter programs in WoW would have blocked that, plus I’m sure he was smart enough to know what I meant. After a long silence from his end he just asked if I’ve met some cute girl or cute boy recently. Instances like this reminds me of the importance of having good friends with open minds. My reply to him was that I’ve been living the life of an Agoraphobic/Demophobic. Which will lead us to a future discussion: am I becoming an Anthropophobic?

I end this entry with: I’m no longer sure what my orientation is. When I find someone with whom I want to tango with, I will known then.

PS this is just a blog of random thoughts, not an essay to turn into class, I do my best when it comes to spelling. However, punctuations and grammar? The rules that govern them never stuck so don't complain, just move past it.